Have You Ever Wondered?

The other day I was out, having lunch. It was a small chinese restaurant, if you could call it a restaurant. It was a place that sells food for a relatively cheap price - at the expense of cleanliness, service and ambiance. But no matter, I was hungry, and had been hungry for ages.

As I was craving for fried rice (damn monosodium glutamate), I ordered the ’special thai-style fried rice’, which had nothing Thai about it at all. Probably the only thing that made it distinct from the 6 other choices of various types of fried rice is the angle they cut up the pieces of chicken meat (at least I THINK it was chicken) or something.

Anyway, after waiting for about 10 minutes, my food finally arrived. A huge plate of yummy looking fried rice on a humungous plate (we had ordered for two people). Yummy! After seeing everyone else in the ‘restaurant’ gorge on their food I couldn’t wait to start on mine. The waitress left the plate right in front of me, and went to get some cutlery. At this stage, you may imagine me as akin to Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner cartoons, saliva practically crawling down the corner of my mouth while I was clasping and rubbing my hands together. Yum yum yum yum yum yum. Where’s my cutlery?

In a few short seconds, the waitress came back with our cutlery. She put the cutlery right in front of me, and within a flash disappeared from my view. I looked down, and to my horror, the waitress had given me a two small pieces of what looked like cheap bamboo sticks and a plate that was the size of an espresso saucer. Holy fornicating baboon. How the hell am I supposed to eat with this? Who the hell eats with this arcane, obsolete eating instruments? That’s when I looked up and around to see all the other patrons eating with the same impractical utensils. Chopsticks. What the fuck. Where the hell is my fork and spoon?

Now you tell me, how am I supposed to eat fried rice off a flat plate which is barely the size of my palm using two long parallel sticks of the same length? Why do some people insist on still using chopsticks?

Now, I have to admit, besides my surname, I share nothing in common with the Chinese people, or their culture. Or, for that matter, any of the chopstick using countries (like Japan, Korea and Vietnam). So, you can’t really use my inadequate skills of using chopsticks as a basis to argue for or against the use chopsticks as a proper eating utensil. Most people in China, I would assume, grow up using chopsticks and hence for them, it would seem normal to eat rice of a tiny flat plate. But, on the other hand, I am convinced that the average human being could eat any food faster and more comfortably using a set of forks, knives and spoons than an average chopstick-master using chopsticks.

For example, how would you eat, say, a steak with chopsticks? How would you eat chocolate cake with chopsticks? How would you eat porridge with chopsticks? Almost any food in the world can be eaten properly using a set of a fork, knife and a spoon, but the same cannot be said of chopsticks. So, why do the Chinese still insist on using chopsticks? After all, they don’t dig the ground using two big pieces of sticks, do they? No no, they use a shovel, basically a big spoon. And I don’t see anyone using two big pieces of sticks to gather up hay, or for farming. No no, they use a rake instead, basically a large fork.

If chopsticks are not as practical, why do people still use them?

One story I have been told ages ago was that long ago, forks and spoons were considered a Western influence and hence one of the Emperors banned it. Another story I have heard is that knives were banned from the dinner table because knives could be used as a weapon for stabbing, and hence this ensured that dinner time was always relatively peaceful and civilised. Another source has told me that knives were considered unsophisticated, and that knives only belonged in the kitchen because it was rude to use them as an eating utensil. I am not entirely sure any of these stories are true, and I doubt we will ever find out.

The one interesting story I found out was that it is claimed that chopsticks are an evolution of chinese calligraphy instruments, and to be a proper calligraphist you had to have good control of your fingers - something chopsticks inarguably helps you achieve.

Regardless of how chopsticks started, most people would tend to agree that chopsticks are part of Chinese culture, and tradition. I will agree to this. However, does that mean we should throw away practicality, throw away progress and development just to hang on to some arcane obsolete tradition? Shouldn’t we be looking forward rather than backward?

Chopsticks, it seems then, annoy me on multiple levels. On a superficial level, they are difficult to use, and are unwieldy. On a symbolic level, they represent the stubborness, the pride and the regressive attitude that some people and some cultures have obtained, even in this day and age. This is not limited to any particular culture, but it seems that some cultures have more obvious examples of this regressive backward thinking.

Perhaps it is time we stopped dwelling on the past and started to look to the future. There is, of course, a balance to be made - history is, of course, our best teacher - but for the time being at least, whenever I go to a Chinese restaurant, please give me the more useful tools for eating. Not two bits of bamboo.

The other day while I was stuck behind a red traffic light my eyes decided to take a little wander around. In front of me, there was a dark dirty green squarish Volvo. Must be one of those older models. It had a child seat at the back, and in the front, all I could see was a dark red bushy set of hair radiating from the driver’s seat. Probably a mom doing her grocery shopping or something with the kid at the back. I made a mental note not to follow her too closely. ‘Housewives’ tend to brake suddenly for reasons only known to themselves. Perhaps the kid was like me when I was young and therefore being a real pest.

Directly next to the Volvo was an unrecognisable old model automobile. A two seater at that too. It was dark grey and looked like it was plucked right out of an old black and white movie. The car was occupied by, I assume a married old couple. How sweet.

On my right was a regular modern sedan, metallic maroon in colour. Perhaps it was a Camry, I don’t know. The driver was a youngish blonde lady, looking at her rear mirror and putting on lipstick. I bet she will be slow off the mark when the lights turn green.

Not wanting to turn my head all the way around, I used my rear-view-mirror to look at who was behind me. It was a old beige Holden Commodore, with its best years behind it. The driver was a huge fat guy - so huge in fact that the handbrake was probably underneath one of his bum cheeks. Regularly, I would have moved on, as there were so many cars, so many people to look at. But not this time - this time this guy caught my eye. I was particularly intrigued because he had his index finger (the finger we use to point) deep within the cavernous orifice that were his nostrils. And his finger was in there for a while too. A good 5 seconds, at least. After he removed his finger (with a ‘pop’ sound I imagine), he did what all of us would do, he took a glance at his finger. I mean, come on, everyone wants to know what REALLY is hidden deep within their noses, am I right? But what followed shocked me (although it shouldn’t have) - he proceeded to put his finger in his mouth and then to chew. Yummy!

Why it shocked me, I don’t know. Because if you think about it, everyone has probably tried to eat their snot before. I surely have. I was pretty young though, I must admit (maybe 23 years old? heh heh). And I don’t remember the experience being rather unpleasant either. A bit salty, a bit chewy. Mind you, I picked a good one (pun not intended) to savour, it wasn’t too slimy or wet, and not too crunch and dry. It was… perfect. Ever since then though, the appeal of eating ‘nostril waste’ has slowly tapered down.

I am sure I am not the only kid to have a good dig up my nostrils. In fact, if you watch ‘Funniest Home Videos’, I bet there are pratically tonnes of snot eating people around. It is so common in fact, that there is a scientific term for people who dig their noses often, its called "rhinotillexomania". There is also a scientific term for the consumption of our mucus - "mucophagy". I am not making this up, I swear!

So if it happens so often, it would be prudent to ask the questions, "Are we SUPPOSED to dig our noses? Are we supposed to eat our snot? Is societal pressure just getting in the way of our natural state?". These are fair questions indeed. We can also add to this another important mind boggling question, is it a coincidence that the human finger fits so nicely into the human nostril? Think about it. We have 5 sizes of ‘drills’, the smallest for those deep hard to reach places, and the largest for the ones right near the opening of the nostrils. But all of them fit nicely. If mother nature didn’t want us to dig our noses, she would have either made of noses smaller, or our fingers bigger. It worked for our ear-holes now, didn’t it?

So, if we were meant to dig our noses, and meant to eat our nose-waste, what possible use could it have for us? Aha, another good question (you guys are learning well!). Well, some professor in Austria (Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger) has suggested us that eating our mucus is akin to a mild form of immunisation, since we are literally ingesting a collection of dead/dying bacteria. So, by eating our mucus, we actually slowly build up our immune system! Isn’t mother nature a sheer genius?