Have You Ever Wondered?

It’s that time of the year again. The time of the year that I have a continuous monologue with my television set. Not a particularly polite monologue mind you. Nor is it very intellectually stimulating. This is accurately reflected in the size of vocabulary that I use within this monologue - usually limited to words that describe a) maternal parents, b) the process of fornication, c) the female reproductive organs and d) nothing in particular but are usually associated with agony and/or ecstacy. A full conversation with the television, thus, consists of a combination of these four classes of words into semi-coherent, albeit not necessarily grammatically correct, sentences. Futhermore, from time to time, to add a bit of flavour and spice to the monologue, I pepper the television screen with a barrage of a combination of saliva and potato chips.

It is, of course, World Cup season. It’s the season where you forget you have friends or family. It’s the season where you can go a whole month without seeing your housemates. It’s the season where you hardly see the light of day. It’s the season where the only thing you say to your girlfriend is ’shhhhh keep quiet’. It’s the season where fast food looks more enticing than ever before. It’s the season where you forget the world exists - What? Israel has just detained 1/3 of the Palestinian cabinet? What? There’s more trouble in East Timor? What? BP is accused of manipulating world propane gas prices? Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care. Not until the 10th of July has passed anyway.

But for all the greatness of the World Cup, or sports in general, I always feel infuriated watching the so called elite sportsmen (or women - I use sportmen as a gender neutral term) perform. Why? Because I find them stupid.

Seriously, why can’t football players pass the ball to their own team-mates? Surely they can recognise their own team-mates??! The different coloured jerseys should give them a clue. Come on pass the freaking ball to a person who is wearing the same jersey as you, you bloody idiot.

Oh, and do footballers know to hit the ball in BETWEEN the white posts? Not over. Not to the left of them. And no, not to the right of them either. IN BETWEEN.

Oh, and do footballers understand what OFFSIDE means? It means, hell, I can’t be bothered explaining it - just don’t do it ok? Don’t go offside! Listen to me you idiot footballers!DO NOT GO OFFSIDE.

Stupidity is not limited to footballers either.

Watching tennis can be a real pain as well. I mean, come on, the net does not move. It’s been at EXACTLY the same place as its been the last time she hit a backhand winner. In fact, its at exactly the same place, and at exactly the same height, as all other nets she has played in all her life. So, why did she go and hit the net then? Hit it over the net, OVER…for goodness sake its not that hard.

Oh, stupidity is rife in Formula 1 too. Michael Schumacher, I am a big fan, but why can’t you drive faster? Surely it can’t be that hard, after all, that dude in front of you is doing it. But does he listen to me? Oh nooo, he doesn’t. Stubborn moron. What does he do ? He waits till the other dude goes into the pitstop, and only then does he drive fast. For one freaking lap. Why doesn’t he drive fast every lap? The road doesn’t change. And as far as I know, the path the road makes along the circuit doesn’t change either. It’s exactly the same circuit he was driving on the laps before. Dumbass.

So, why are sportmen so stupid?

The answer is simple.

If sportmen were smart, they wouldn’t be playing sports in the first place. Instead they would be studying a phd in mechanical engineering and writing charming and witty blogs for all his friends to read during their spare time. Wouldn’t you agree?

Seriously. Why do we need seatbelts when we sit in an aeroplane? I’m just thinking aloud here, and you may choose to disagree with me, but if a plane hits a mountain, or drops from the sky, or collides with another plane, or whatever, I am quite confident that we’ll die, most probably a very painful death, seatbelt or no seatbelt. Don’t you think?

Obviously, I am setting myself up for failure here - there are no reasons why women are vain. No logical reasons anyway. You may label this sexist. And you may be right. But I’ll continue anyway, with your objection duly noted.

But before we ask ‘why are women vain’, we have to ask, are women vain at all? Surely most of us will answer yes. Fact : the cosmetics industry is one of the strongest growing industries in the world. Fact : The cosmetics industry was the ONLY industry in the U.S to grow six years consecutively during the mini-recession from 1997 - 2003. Fact : The very large majority of cosmetic surgery is performed on women. Hmm, why could this be?

Furthermore, there are more infomercials on cosmetics than any other product. Women have a larger variety of clothes. Women have a larger variety of shoes. There is about a billion different types of soaps and shampoos for women, some of which can be mistaken for food products (gingko, boloba and avodaco sandwich anyone?). And don’t get me started on women and their freaking hair. IT’S ONLY HAIR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Women - why do they care how they look ? ‘But men care too’ I hear you yell from the back there. Oh yes, definitely. There are some vain men too, for sure. But a) There are not so many of them, b) They think about their appearances far less often and c) Men have a logical reason to be vain (its an alpha male thing).

No doubt everyone wants to look good. We as humans have it hard wired to desire being accepted into society. But still, the stereotypical woman goes overboard. 

But for those chauvanistic men out there like me who cannot understand at all the female’s obsession with their appearances - I am going to help you out here a little bit. Unfortunately I cannot explain why women are so vain, but, perhaps I can put the obsession into terms you can understand :

"Women think about their weight MORE than men think about sex".

Yes that’s right. MORE. But that’s not according to me - that’s according to two totally different surveys (one done in the UK, read about it here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?view=DETAILS&grid=P8&xml=/health/2006/04/11/nsize11.xml, and one done in Australia, read about it here http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,19467351-36398,00.html).

Of course, most surveys are full of crap, but still, for the idiot male like me, its actually quite helpful. The next time a female partner asks us ‘does my bum look big in this?’ or ‘how do I look?’ its just their version of ‘damn she’s got lovely breasts’ or ‘I bet she would be great in bed’.

The great thing about this result is that it also works the other way - women may ask, why does the stereotypical male think about sex so often? The answer is, of course, that we are just trying to keep up with your vanity as much as we can.

Yes honey you look very good in that. No, dear, your bum looks fine. You take your time putting that foundation on. I’ll just sit down here, quietly, legs crossed, dreaming about Hermione Granger…

Now, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I am not being a homophobe here. Homosexuals can do whatever they want, marry whoever they want, have sex in whatever way they want - just like anybody else. In fact, I am a big fan of lesbians myself. I watch them on tv at every opportunity I get!

However, there has been one issue that has me curious - should gays have their own toilets, own bathrooms, own changing rooms ? Hell knows what kind of fury I would unleash onto myself if I, a strutting 26 year old male, were to walk into a female changing room. I would be called a sick pervert and if I stayed in there long enough, I would probably get arrested (although perhaps it would be worth it? heh heh). If a 26 year old bootylicious female were to walk into a male changing room, she would perhaps not receive the best of reactions either. Most of the guys there would wonder if this little slut came in to have a bit of a peep - perhaps she isn’t getting any at home?

Both situations, at the very minimum, can be described as ackward. Obviously this is because males are attracted to the female body, and vice versa (I hope). No one wants to be butt naked in the shower while the person next to you dreams of you in eccentric sexual positions.

But what about homosexuals then? If gay men are attracted to men then they shouldn’t be allowed into male changing rooms, as much as women are not allowed into them. The exact same applies to gay women as well.

So, what’s the answer? Have four bathrooms? Hetero-men, hetero-women, homo-men, and homo-women?

No no, that’s too much! That’s one bathroom too many! Why have four when you can have three? Get the homo-men and the homo-women to share! After all, they won’t look at each other…